Compromising Positions: The Illusion of Free Will

Compromise is a part of our every day life. To have any hope of establishing solid relationships, one must compromise. In big ways and small, each and every day, we negotiate our way through this maze which is Life. Without the ability to compromise, you may as well become a hermit, as you will never successfully interact with others in a peaceful fashion.

The importance of compromise is never so clear as when you are travelling in a tight space with others. Compromise becomes the key to survival when those "others" are teenagers! Having just run screaming from 10 days in a car full of opinions and stubbornness, I can safely say...compromise saved my sanity. From who would choose the radio station to what we could pack to when we were departing each morning to where we would or wouldn't go to why we had to stop for anything...

Well, do you get the picture? Everything was a major decision. I shuddered whenever anyone said they were hungry, because I new what would ensue.

It went something like this:

A: I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat.

B: No, let's wait. I just had a snack.

A: You should have waited for lunch.

B: YOU should eat breakfast.

A: I did. It just didn't stay with me.

Mom: OK, OK. Let's get something to eat and we'll put B's in the cooler for later(COMPROMISE).Where should we stop?

A: Let's drive through and get fast food at McDonald's. I don't want to sit down any where it will take too much time.

(As if time is in limited quantity when on vacation.

Translation: I want to get to the hotel fast so I can call my girlfriend.)

B: Me either (AGREEMENT, sigh). But I don't want to eat fast food. (Damn).What about Subway (Attempted compromise)

A: I had a sub sandwich yesterday. What about pizza? (Counter offer)

B:That would be OK. (COMPROMISE)

Mom: What kind of Pizza do you want? (Open ended question-big mistake!)

A: Veggie.

B: Pepperoni.

Mom: Let's get one of each. (EVASION) What kind of crust? (Open ended question-not again!)

A: Thick.
B: Thin.

A: There's nothing to thin crust. Besides, it's too crunchy.

B: Thick is too chewy.

Dad: Thin on the pepperoni and thick on the veggie. End of discussion. (EXECUTIVE DECISION)

....and so on and so forth.

But wait - all hope is not lost. I have discovered that compromise can be aided by a tactic introduced to me by my son. He is a Dungeons and Dragons aficionado and uses a maneuver called " The Illusion of Free Will" when leading a particularly indecisive group on a quest. "The Illusion of Free Will" is a real time saver and can easily be adapted to parenting. It involves giving those making a decision the impression that they have made a choice, when they actually haven't.

Let's play the previous scenario again employing "The Illusion of Free Will"....

A: I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat.
B: No, let's wait. I just had a snack.
A: You should have waited for lunch.
B: YOU should eat breakfast.
A: I did. It just didn't stay with me.

Mom: Do you want to stop now or when Dad & I decide it's time to pull over?

(NOTE: Giving parents any additional authority than they already have is particularly distasteful to ALL teenagers! This is a highly effective strategy in encouraging compromise.)

A & B: We'll stop now! (Observe - INSTANT COMPROMISE)

Mom: Great. Where should we stop?

A: Let's drive through and get fast food at McDonald's. I don't want to sit down any where it will take too much time.

B: Me either (AGREEMENT, sigh). But I don't want to eat fast food.

Mom: Do you want to stop for pizza or go over to that very crowded, extremely slow truck stop cafe with the long line out the door that could take an eternity for us to get served?

(NOTE: Giving two options, one which you like and the other which has already been deemed distasteful in some fashion, guarantees your desired outcome.)

A & B: Pizza sounds good!! We can wait. (Again - INSTANT COMPROMISE)

Mom: What kind of Pizza do you want?What kind of crust?

A: Veggie

B: Pepperoni.
A: Thick.
B: Thin.
A: There's nothing to thin crust. Besides, it's too crunchy.
B: Thick is too chewy.

Dad: Would you like thin on the pepperoni and thick on the veggie or nothing at all? (EXECUTIVE DECISION, reformatted)

NOTE: Sometimes Executive Decision disguised as the Illusion of Fee Will works best.)

A & B: Whatever you say Dad.

Feel free to try this strategy to affect compromise and create a harmonious balance in your travel life.....or leave your teenagers at home, where they want to be any way. Admittedly, you won't create lasting memories, but you also won't need a therapist upon your return!

Give and Ye Shall Receive...

Give and Ye Shall Receive...recipes.

A bountiful harvest of basil has me busy searching for new taste experiments. Pesto is a staple in my diet, but I cannot live on pesto alone. So, I am sharing my pesto recipe in the hope that what goes around will come around with delicious results! Here goes...

BASIL PESTO

3/4 cup Parmesan and or Romano cheese (I use both 2/1 ratio of P to R)

4 tblspn Pine nuts, roasted or browned in butter, cooled.

3 tblspn Butter, unsalted

3 tsp Garlic, minced
3/4 cup Olive oil

3 cups Basil leaves, rinsed, dried, destemmed

Fresh pepper to taste

Assemble all ingredients. Place cheeses and pine nuts in food processor and grind. Add remaining items and process until smooth. Pour over hot pasta of your choice with shredded Parmesan or Romano to taste. Rub on chicken before roasting. Spread on slices of french bread and toast in oven.

I usually make multiple batches and freeze in ice cubes trays. Once frozen, seal in airtight container and store in freezer-duh. Nothing like fresh pesto on those long, cold winter evenings when a taste of my summer garden is like therapy.

Fear Less

Fears. As humans we all have them. Fear is a basic survival instinct. Fear can alert you to potential dangers, encourage you to evaluate a situation, even save your life. Fear can manifest itself as a valuable instinct or a paralyzing phobia. Everyone is afraid of something. Believing that you are fearless means never having thought through your life situation. Afraid to change jobs, afraid to eat foreign foods, afraid to fly...you fill in the blank. In my case, I am afraid of bears.

My recurring nightmare goes something like this : I am chased through a tranquil forest by a large drooling, hairy beast growling and slashing at me; I am always caught. Tales of unfortunate bear encounters demand my utmost attention. Methods of warding off attacks are studied and committed to memory. I have played out the steps I will take for surviving my first face-to-face over and over in my mind.

Jokes abound when we head out on hikes. My family laughs at me. My husband growls at me outside dark pit toilets. Fingers point at me when a National Geographic special features a member of the Ursus family. They all giggle about my "illogical" fear of bears.

Illogical. ILLOGICAL?!!

Illogical would mean devoid of truth or validity. Illogical would be lacking a sense of orderly thought. Illogical would be without correct reasoning or aesthetically consistent relation of parts.


Hmmmm.



I find the reasoning behind my fear perfectly valid......

not at all without a sense of verity......

and, through my eyes, there is an aesthetically consistent relation of parts to my fear! I mean, come on - just look at the teeth, the claws, the paws! This is definitely a case where size of parts matters.

Illogical does not define my fear.
Irrational-yes. Illogical-no.

Having paid close attention to ranger talks over the years, I am fully aware that the odds of my stumbling across a bear are slim to none. Even if I wanted to find one-which I do not-they tend to avoid humans. Highly intelligent but fundamentally timid, they will not seek out human contact unless identified as a food source and as spotless as I keep my campsite, you would think I don't eat when I camp. Rarely do bears attack except when they feel threatened and, believe you me, I am not going to stand around teasing and mocking a grizzly should the opportunity arise.

So, as I know and can reason through why I should not be afraid of bears I am, therefore irrational not illogical. My fear makes sense, it just shouldn't be there at all. And yet, it is.
So, what to do with this irrational obsession?

I could stay out of bear country and reduce my odds of a bear encounter to zero, but that would mean my fear was controlling and dictating my behavior. I have always loved the solitude of nature and exploring new territory. Given that I live in an area inhabited by bears, I would have to give up an activity that brings me great joy and peace. So rather that run, I face it head on.


Does it keep me from venturing into the wilderness? No
Have I stopped hiking in bear country? No
Do I carry a bear bell? No. (Gotcha! You would think...Yes, but smart bears know that bells=people=food, so ...No. I do sing a lot though.)


We should not let our fears dictate our actions. There is no greater thrill, nor greater challenge in life, than being paralyzed with fear, yet pushing forward through its barrier to enjoy an experience you would not have allowed yourself the pleasure of had you listened to that little voice in your head telling you to be afraid.

Had I listened to my little voice I would have missed out on all this.....





My advice to you?
Feel the fear, and do it anyway.



What is fear keeping from you?

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Tonight is Girls' Night In. My daughter is anxious to spend time with me, so who am I to argue? ( I always want to spend time with her-our stars must be aligned). I am NOT a hair and nails gal, much preferring a hike in the woods or digging in the garden to a manicure. All the same, she keeps trying to convert me. Since she acquiesces and rides bikes with me, I will pull out the cucumbers and prepare the yogurt facials.

We do find common ground when it comes to movie selection. (Oh yeah - we also agree on home-popped popcorn with real butter drizzled over the top. No microwave crap in this household!) Mindless B-comedies tend to be our top choice...especially if Adam Sandler has his fingers in the pie. Left up to her, we would watch "50 First Dates" every Friday. I gravitate toward "The Wedding Singer" myself, but they both have Drew Barrymore as an added bonus. So I'm good.

Seriously sappy chick flicks also get decent air time. We've seen every film with Kate Hudson in it, especially if it involves angst over a guy that is her best friend, but unattainable, then they fall in love-yaddda yadda yadda. Fifteen-year-olds love romance, so do I. We all should practice romance on a daily basis...it's good for the soul.

Period films never used to make our short list - not for lack of trying.
That is, until the "Twilight" series was published. (Yes, the vampire love story books/movies...have you been living under a rock?) I owe a debt of gratitude to Stephanie Meyers for opening my daughter eyes to the magic of Shakespeare!! Never saw it coming. Hit me like a freight train and before I knew it, we both had the same movie at the top of our list.

Had I rented Zeffirelli 's "Romeo and Juliette" - arguable one of the best movies every made - she would have watched 10 minutes, made a face and quietly slipped out to check her Facebook account. Admittedly, I probably wouldn't have noticed as I would have been mesmerized by the beautiful language. However, since Bella (would-be-bloodsucker with a serious chip on her shoulder) read Shakespeare, she and her friends have now opened their minds and expanded their vocabularies!
Iambic pentameter soliloquies waft through my home like music on the breeze.
- SIGH! - O, speak again, bright angel!

Until recently, I didn't have much respect for that Bella character-too whiny, too needy- now I worship her as a goddess of literature, truly inspirational. Believe it or not, they even started to read Wuthering Heights, decided to put it down and try the movie, then came to the very mature decision both were too damned depressing - good call. Although the Bronte sisters have filled many a quiet evening for me, they are an acquired taste. I'll give her 5 years and try again.

So, this evening I go out on a limb....I think Jane Austen's "Sense and Sensibility" will be a palatable compromise - comedy, romance, silliness, and another actress named Kate . I'll tell her that this was Alice's favorite author (a "real" vampire with an awesomely cool ability to see the ever-changing future) to see if I can spark her interest.

Should my choice not pan out, I'll keep "The Princess Bride" in reserve. Always dependable.

P.S.-My son recommends skipping the film portion of the evening, instead reading aloud excerpts from "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies". He assures me it was a successful attempt at introducing classics to the masses.
I have my doubts.

Mooning, Spooning,Crooning

Is it the full moon or the brisk temps, so unseasonable in Minnesota?
I pulled out the poetry books last night and happened across a cherished favorite.
Sappy-sure- savored all the same.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, - I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

-Elizabeth Barrett Browning,

Robert was a lucky man. 'nuff said

Dual Duel

What is it about boys and swords? From the very first, we did not allow "weapon toys" in our home. Didn't find them necessary or creative. We also wanted to send a message that violence wasn't something we wanted to teach or tolerate in our home.

Sesame Street and Barney were the only TV shows allowed for the longest time - strictly doled out, nothing "inappropriate". I do not recall sabre battles between Big Bird and Ernie. Baby Bop never wielded a rapier in my memory.

And yet, from an early age my son would pick up a stick, jam a bucket on his head and morph into Sir Lancelot. Or we'd find him with a cape around his neck, flourishing a flashlight and warning us to stay away from his light sabre. As he grew older, he read incessantly about medieval weapons and was quite helpful with crossword puzzles involving five letter words referring to a weapon used in 5Th century hand-to-hand combat. Boy Scout camp found him and his buddies quiet only when whittling sticks to surgical precision so they could battle. This from the gentlest child I know. He's never been in a fist fight, used force to get his way, or threatened anything with a blade. (Albeit, his tongue can be construed as a weapon at times.)


So, I come home the other day to this in my yard:



These will be some of the great minds of their generation-
the future of America.
They will be crafting decisions that will affect our world and determine the course of our lives.

Some will leave for college next year, but applications remain blank today. (Hopefully the only weapon they will be wielding will be the mighty pen.)

Tomorrow they will continue their futile job search in an economy that has every one holding tight to minimum wage jobs.

Disregarded is the weather.Heat? Heat? What heat?


Today they're just being kids.

No sex...that we are aware of.

No drugs...I think WE would know.

No rock-n-roll...Oh wait, scratch that one. Lots of rock and roll.

(2 out of 3's not bad when it comes to happy healthy children. Besides, I like their music.)

I envy their playfulness and sense of whimsy. Life will catch up to them all too soon. Innocence once lost can never be regained.

So, en garde!

And watch out, these "swords" are a bit flimsy - but GREAT fun!

Are the Stars Out Tonight?

Summer has officially arrived in Minnesota.

Pay no attention to the overwhelming scent of peonies wafting through every inch of my living space.

Never mind the 98 degree heat accompanied by North Carolinian levels of humidity (which has turned my hair into a mass of unrestrainable curls).

Please, take ever damn mosquito in the land of 10,000 lakes and send them to Arizona where they will be a novelty.

Nothing says 'summer' like the glow of the first firefly!

If you examine lightning bugs closely, there is nothing particularly appealing about them. In fact, they are rather unattractive creatures bearing a remarkable resemblance to roaches-ewww.
( So, it's best they come out after dark. ) A member of the beetle family, they are able to produce cold light-which in and of itself is AWESOME!!
Nocturnal in nature, they emit light as a way of locating a mate or prey.
(Aside) Hm-m-m-m...so if you are an insect responding to this beacon you are going to either:
a) get it on or
b)get eaten
Guess you want sex pretty badly if you are willing to bet your life on a luminescent glow.

But as long as you don't peer too closely at them, there is something utterly magical about the way they twinkle at dusk. Glitter for a summer's evening. What child isn't drawn to the chase? Waiting to pursue the next glimmer. Grasping at the lengthening darkness in the hope of snatching a star from the sky and stuffing it into a Mason jar. And what mother hasn't emptied said jar of slightly droopy (but well-satisfied) insects the next morning?



Summer, I salute you !

Retire the bottle of Bailey's and break out the Bombay Sapphire.
Pull out the lawn chairs.
Grab a Mason jar.
Extinguish all artificial light.
Prepare to be amazed.

Fly Away Home

Just finished dropping off my daughter at camp. Seems like it should get easier every year, but somehow I feel our time together growing short and I resent relinquishing any of it. But as the old adage says, the two things a parent should give their children are roots and wings. So fly away my little bird.
By the way, she was the one who christened me with my user name, which I feel is so appropriate....

As I am a constant source of embarrassment to her, I continually mortify her every day (she's 15, what can I say..I should be so much smarter in about 5 years). After one particularly humiliating conversation, she turned to me, shook her head, and said "Mom, you are one odd chicken".
Silence ensued.
I burst out laughing.
"I think you're confusing your fowl", inserted my know-it-all son. "Don't you mean 'odd duck'?"
"No. No, I like odd chicken-it suits me," I affirmed.
And so, my new identity was born. (Humiliating her even further as she can't believe I would actually use it online!!...or garden in my swimsuit, or listen to Fallout Boy, or dare to joke around with her latest flame.)

However, this morning as she stumbled downstairs and onto the couch, she suddenly crawled into my lap. "I'm going to miss you," she said. "Two weeks is a long time."

Don't I know it!
Guess I'm not such an embarrassment as I thought.
Au revoir mon petit oiseau. Enjoy your wings, for I know your roots are firmly planted.
Happy Father's Day Daddy. Thank you for showing me what a parent should be.

Dream a Little Dream

Five years in the making....

finally I finished the pond. If I must say, I am quite pleased with myself...it's just as I'd envisioned it! Even better, actually, as I never anticipated how much wildlife the sound of falling water will attract. The birds are delighted as are all the little pixies in the neighborhood. Budding scientists across the street are anxious to bring tadpoles and crawdads to add to the ecosystem. I'm just thankful to enjoy evenings listening to our nesting wrens singing melody, accompanied by the soothing background vibes of water on sandstone.

Looks inviting, no?!

Today I am thankful for 10 things:

-A peek at some sunshine this morning, however shortlived.
-The much needed rain we have had FINALLY...spinach next week, Yum,Yum.
-The color green.
-My good friend's phone call this morning relaying her frustrations with TexASS. I love Minnesota.
-The word "jaunty" - not many people use it anymore.
-My dog who is too old to demand a walk every evening, as my legs prefer to be up tonight.
-Our quiet side porch.
-A good bottle of wine.
-Bats from my belfry gobbling down my mosquitos...which I am NOT thankful for.
-The sound of giggling girlfriends wafting down on the evening breeze as their attempts to make a life altering-video are being shared with all my neighbors via our always open windows. Who needs Youtube?