Compromising Positions: The Illusion of Free Will

Compromise is a part of our every day life. To have any hope of establishing solid relationships, one must compromise. In big ways and small, each and every day, we negotiate our way through this maze which is Life. Without the ability to compromise, you may as well become a hermit, as you will never successfully interact with others in a peaceful fashion.

The importance of compromise is never so clear as when you are travelling in a tight space with others. Compromise becomes the key to survival when those "others" are teenagers! Having just run screaming from 10 days in a car full of opinions and stubbornness, I can safely say...compromise saved my sanity. From who would choose the radio station to what we could pack to when we were departing each morning to where we would or wouldn't go to why we had to stop for anything...

Well, do you get the picture? Everything was a major decision. I shuddered whenever anyone said they were hungry, because I new what would ensue.

It went something like this:

A: I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat.

B: No, let's wait. I just had a snack.

A: You should have waited for lunch.

B: YOU should eat breakfast.

A: I did. It just didn't stay with me.

Mom: OK, OK. Let's get something to eat and we'll put B's in the cooler for later(COMPROMISE).Where should we stop?

A: Let's drive through and get fast food at McDonald's. I don't want to sit down any where it will take too much time.

(As if time is in limited quantity when on vacation.

Translation: I want to get to the hotel fast so I can call my girlfriend.)

B: Me either (AGREEMENT, sigh). But I don't want to eat fast food. (Damn).What about Subway (Attempted compromise)

A: I had a sub sandwich yesterday. What about pizza? (Counter offer)

B:That would be OK. (COMPROMISE)

Mom: What kind of Pizza do you want? (Open ended question-big mistake!)

A: Veggie.

B: Pepperoni.

Mom: Let's get one of each. (EVASION) What kind of crust? (Open ended question-not again!)

A: Thick.
B: Thin.

A: There's nothing to thin crust. Besides, it's too crunchy.

B: Thick is too chewy.

Dad: Thin on the pepperoni and thick on the veggie. End of discussion. (EXECUTIVE DECISION)

....and so on and so forth.

But wait - all hope is not lost. I have discovered that compromise can be aided by a tactic introduced to me by my son. He is a Dungeons and Dragons aficionado and uses a maneuver called " The Illusion of Free Will" when leading a particularly indecisive group on a quest. "The Illusion of Free Will" is a real time saver and can easily be adapted to parenting. It involves giving those making a decision the impression that they have made a choice, when they actually haven't.

Let's play the previous scenario again employing "The Illusion of Free Will"....

A: I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat.
B: No, let's wait. I just had a snack.
A: You should have waited for lunch.
B: YOU should eat breakfast.
A: I did. It just didn't stay with me.

Mom: Do you want to stop now or when Dad & I decide it's time to pull over?

(NOTE: Giving parents any additional authority than they already have is particularly distasteful to ALL teenagers! This is a highly effective strategy in encouraging compromise.)

A & B: We'll stop now! (Observe - INSTANT COMPROMISE)

Mom: Great. Where should we stop?

A: Let's drive through and get fast food at McDonald's. I don't want to sit down any where it will take too much time.

B: Me either (AGREEMENT, sigh). But I don't want to eat fast food.

Mom: Do you want to stop for pizza or go over to that very crowded, extremely slow truck stop cafe with the long line out the door that could take an eternity for us to get served?

(NOTE: Giving two options, one which you like and the other which has already been deemed distasteful in some fashion, guarantees your desired outcome.)

A & B: Pizza sounds good!! We can wait. (Again - INSTANT COMPROMISE)

Mom: What kind of Pizza do you want?What kind of crust?

A: Veggie

B: Pepperoni.
A: Thick.
B: Thin.
A: There's nothing to thin crust. Besides, it's too crunchy.
B: Thick is too chewy.

Dad: Would you like thin on the pepperoni and thick on the veggie or nothing at all? (EXECUTIVE DECISION, reformatted)

NOTE: Sometimes Executive Decision disguised as the Illusion of Fee Will works best.)

A & B: Whatever you say Dad.

Feel free to try this strategy to affect compromise and create a harmonious balance in your travel life.....or leave your teenagers at home, where they want to be any way. Admittedly, you won't create lasting memories, but you also won't need a therapist upon your return!